New Year, SAME HOPE!

As I embark upon my fifth year on this solo mission called parenting, I reflect.

I think about my pregnancy and it being one of the happiest times in my  life. The tiny person growing inside of me and the miracle I was put in charge of. The simplest things like the best sleep I’ve had in my life and the movement of my curved belly after a generous meal. At the hospital, I panicked.  The pain was overwhelming and realistically unpredictable but the joy shortly after gave me full satisfaction. Returning home to my tiny unprepared apartment made me emotional. Nothing was ready. The new apartment I had moved into at almost 7months pregnant 3 months prior was still not completely unpacked. The first night alone with the tiny human became the first feeding to the first bath, the first tooth, the first walk and the list goes on, and I became better at being a mom.

I even created an alter ego of the person I’d become while in mommy mode multitasking my way through life. Her name is Obstacle Anne. She is a fierce superwoman. From carrying a dozen grocery bags along w a stroller with a sleeping baby strapped in, to shoveling out a Honda buried in snow with a toddler safely warm inside. I’ve owned this character. I became her.

I look back at the struggles and triumphs with laughter and fight back a few tears.

The birthday parties I’ve managed to pull off seem effortless now. Countless last minute details forced me to forget something each year. Our dynamic duo costumes at Halloween have proven to be exceptional. We debuted in Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion complete with our own little black morkie. Jessie and Woody one year, Princess Leia and Darth Vader the next, one crowd favorite was his choice of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man (myself) and he was my little Ghostbuster. This past year our costumes couldn’t have been a better fit. My little superhero has no idea how he has saved me. He chose to be Wolverine, claws and facial hair, plaid and leather, and I did not feel like I had a costume on. A silvery white wig, white contacts and a black cape, of course people got it, but I feel like the person I was dressed as meant so much more to me than any person could tell. We are a team, and as Storm and Wolverine it made me realize how much I depend on the little guy.

 On this journey we have had the pleasure of meeting several amazing people who have impacted our lives.  An art instructor who fell in love with Aurum and his sweet and kind personality; a summer camp teacher with whom we’ve forged  a bond with long after the summer came to an end; and a grandmothers special connection with the little guy that adores her. The people who have crossed out paths lead me to believe that I am doing something terribly right on my solo mission.

Pride overcomes me.

Thus another year has crept up on us, but the same hope remains.

I have conquered much in these past 4 years and as he grows taller, we both grow stronger.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, maybe in our case the village means the many people who have touched us in passing, held a door open, flashed a friendly smile or simply took the time to enjoy a special moment with us, but at the end of the day it will always be JustMommyNme.

family dynamic

I always thought it would be my own thoughts, views, beliefs and opinions that would be the source of my sons teaching.
Speaking with other parents and understanding different views on family dynamic did not change my opinion that opposed the idea that school aged children are subjected to uncontrollable views.
Pre Kindergarten is such a ripe age for education.
Physical activity is huge while teaching lessons also extremely valuable.
When we started receiving homework assignments, I was very excited.
It gave me a look inside what the actual learning was and the lessons that were being taught in class. I was eager to aid in his learning.
The first assignment was coloring and tracing shapes and the letter S.
The second was about family.
I hesitated.
The remembered a good friend of mine going through a similar exercise in a doctors office.
Her son was asked by the doctor to draw his family.
He drew his mom, he drew his brother, and he drew himself.
The doctor asked about his father and then the conversation started to flow.
Imagine my fear.
A fear I have yet to confront.
An explanation I have yet to give my little monster, who is growing at the speed of a very well planted seed.
An absent father who has yet to appear.
As we completed the homework assignment, I read the instructions aloud, prepared to explain the plethora of blended families there are, but I didn't have to.
 
"Draw your family in the house, do you know who is part of your family?''
 Yes Mommy.
 "mommy, me, Jakey (cousin), grandma, Chris(step grandpa) and auntie''

I breathed a sigh if relief.

He seemed happy.
He drew smiles on everyone.
He drew hair. 
And he wrote the names of each person as I told him.

Never mentioning, questioning, or simply including his father.
Should I have?

Part of me thought I should say, what about Papi?
If that door of memory is slowly closing, why should I stick my foot in and hold it open.

The other part of me quietly shouted, YES!!!!!

Selfish? maybe.
But hoping that I may not have to deal with this much longer and he's forgetting his father on his own by his fathers own doing.
Yet another ounce of me thinks I should have a conversation with him and honestly tell him I don't know what happened to his father.

Fear wins.

His family dynamic consists of so much love that he had to draw people outside of the house and that is explanation enough for me.

Dating and the Bull shit detector.

A recent date lead me to believe I am through with dating.

 Don’t get me wrong it was a great date.

The guy was a charmer, a perfect gentleman and held my interest in more ways than one. But the time and energy it took out of me makes me want to continue my life as a single mom. My evenings usually consist of making dinner for my son and I, having bath time then bed time then me time. Do I risk the life I’ve become so accustomed to for the life I so secretly crave?

SINGLE is and always seemed to be a temporary for me. Dating on the other hand I haven’t done serious enough since my son was born. In the beginning I thought I’d be a single mom for a year or so then I’d meet this fabulous man, fall in love, he’d love my son as his own and then we’d walk off into the sunset and work on extending our cute little blended family.

 Newsflash, it didn’t quite work out that way.

I did think I came close once. I met this fab man who had himself grown up with a step dad since the age of 2, JACKPOT. 

Turns out he was just not there altogether and I was back to square one.

Fast forward 4 years later, I am an independent, self sufficient single mom who hasn’t really dated at all but more importantly has become more of a woman in her own right.

          I do it all.

When I think of “dates” I’ve been on in the past 4 years I can count them on one hand. I’m the type that does not pursue but rather succumbs to the pursuer if the interest is there. 

So back to this one date, I had an amazing time but I also realized how much I have changed since the last time I’ve dated as well as how much the dating game has.

There I was sitting across from a man that I seemed completely interested in and wanted to know everything about. In the days to follow we kept in touch and even had a second date. Communication was there almost daily and I seemed to be loving it. To my surprise things came to a screeching halt within 2-3 months and I was not as irritated by it as I thought I’d be.

The adult independent me didn’t care. Life goes on, right?

For the most part, the woman I had become did not care to deal with bs. 

Honesty had become a trait of this woman, and she gained a bull shit detector.

Back to me and my life as a single mom, this meant not losing sleep, guilt over leaving my kid with a sitter while I went on a date, and not having someone on my mind. Simple.

In my somewhat twisted mind I was relieved. Screw it.

It’s like a weight was lifted.

The truth is I did like him. I did like text messages and calls from someone other than my mom and my sister. I also liked that he was kind of a secret. One thing I’ve learned as a single mom is to keep my dating life guarded. Everyone is waiting to see me settle or date or bring someone other than a girl friend around.  It honestly can’t happen, the explanation of what happened if it did not work requires way too much energy. So secrets are good in that aspect.

I liked the attention. I liked him as a person. I liked his conversation and support.

But I am guarded.

I have had this conversation with girlfriends time and time again, I am going to need one hell of a man to fill the void I have already managed to fill on my own.

And my detector lets me know whether or not I care enough to deal with someone that is not serious about  me.

The fact that I have this bull shit detector will weed out a lot of phonies, but the possibility of it eliminating one of the good ones is a chance I'll just have to take.

from Ariel to Dora

Pink is for girls.
Blue is for boys.

Or at least that is what society teaches us to teach our children.

When a woman finds out she is pregnant with a girl, her baby shower will be decorated pink and with a boy blue.
I must admit, my shower was a blue/green/yellow color scheme. This was solely because that was the day I found out I was having a boy.
Why can’t boys like pink and girls like blue? Is it because we teach them the exact opposite?
I recently started to notice, and by notice it’s been mainly through other people’s reactions that my little boy loves it all.
Since he started learning his colors, the two that he would consistently point out were pink and purple.
All the other colors came after but I thought nothing of it, just that he loves pink and purple and knows those two colors.
We recently watched the little mermaid, and he loved it. So much that he asked for an Ariel.
Since we had already been making weekly trips to the Disney store, I knew exactly where to find her.
She was his new found love and he wanted to take her everywhere, on subway rides, to the playground and by his side in bed as he fell asleep.
One thing I was immediately cautious about was him taking Ariel along with him on his weekend visits with his dad. I took precaution by suggesting he take another toy that was as cool as she is.
Most of the time his mind was already made up and he always decided to leave her home. The week following one of his visits he mentioned in a very mature 3 year old way, that his dad had made him sad. He explained that his dad told him to throw Ariel (who he refers to as Mario) in the trash.

In my mind I knew I couldn’t react the way I wanted to, for his sake I had to keep cool. As he stood there his little frustrated angry face waiting for my reaction, my mind raced. I knew I had been careful and I knew for a fact that he had never taken Mario with him. But how else did his dad know about her?

The only conclusion I could reach was that my little boy loves his Mario so much that he shared that with his dad, only to find out that his dad did not love the thought of it.   
In one of my strongest single mommy moments, I simply told him that boys and girls like Mario and it is a yeco (translation: muneca) that everyone can play with.  

He was reassured, I think.

But I also made sure to tell him that mommy said it is ok and if his dad has a problem with it then he should talk to mommy.

Then I made him repeat it.

And then he promised to say it if his dad ever told him to throw Mario away.

But that’s not where it ended, on a recent  early morning subway ride, I was once again reminded of society’s rules.

As Aurum sat in his stroller, Mario in tow, I heard a stranger’s voice.
I refused to look up but rather ignored the comment and kept my composure.
“A boy? .…why does he have a doll, dolls are for girls…
I felt a reaction crawling up my throat to scream out of my mouth but I fought it back, patiently waited for our stop and hoped that my innocent little boy holding the little mermaid did not hear.

What do you do?

As a parent, if your child is threatened in any way, you rise up and protect them!! In any circumstance you stick up for your kid!

I never realized by fulfilling my sons wish of having Ariel that I would spark this fire inside people starting a battle over the innocence of a child vs. the role society plays in our lives.
Am I wrong in the eyes of machismo dads and men who believe that boys should not play with dolls?
Or am I teaching my son the value of being an individual, having choices and marching to the beat of his own drum?

I’ve concluded that people will always have opinions of their own, and right now that is what I will teach my son. His opinion matters and until he is old enough to defend it he is to tell people to talk to his mommy about it.

I am proud to say nothing has stopped him from playing with Mario; he loves her nonetheless since the day he got her.

He also recently asked for a Dora plush pillow from Target, and he carries her along with him from time to time.

In need of some support....

Raising a child has never been a cakewalk and the adolescent years can definitely try your patience. Personally the most difficult thing I've ever had to encounter is parenting a teen facing mental illness.Since her birth in 1998 I have assisted my mother with           co-parenting my younger sister, "AJ".

Even as a little kid my sister's behaviors have always been a little "out there" with her extended temper tantrums and/or outbursts towards the family. My mom and I didn't realize what we had on our hands until she started acting out violently against her classmates in school. Her teachers suggested she had ADD/ADHD based on her disconnect while in the classroom but I wasn't too sure given the behaviors I had witnessed in the home. In 2009 after much prodding on my end the school district and her pediatrician finally conducted a series of evaluations which resulted in her being diagnosed with mood disorders. In less than a year that diagnosis was changed to bipolar and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and then to bipolar schizophrenia, PTSD and depression in 2011.

I am not sure whether having a "label" attached to her helped or hindered us. Over the years I've worked with hundred of kids and have come across many different diagnosis and behaviors but nothing quite prepares you for when it is your child. No matter how hands-on you are in your professional field nothing prepares you for your flesh and blood screaming obscenities at you, launching lamps and other items at your head, and/or charging at you full force.

We have plenty of days when we can manage peacefully, but there's a greater amount of days when we can't tell which way is up. There are so many moments when my mother and I feel completely alone as no one else in the family truly understands my sister's illness or, quite frankly, don't care to be bothered. I'm not sure where this journey will lead us but I am not ashamed to admit that I am seriously afraid and in need of some support.

TSJ

Guest blogger TSJ is a STRONG woman. She is a mother figure for her own sister and a great source of support to her mother. An editor, literary analyst and self proclaimed bibliophile, are among many victories she has achieved thus far.

He left me to raise HIS son...

He left me to raise HIS son... I will say that again. He left me to raise HIS son.

Now yes, I know it is our son and this child is just as much my son as it is his. BUT I say HIS because it is HIS responsibility to raise his son to be a man. Not me a woman and NOT another man but the man who created him. It is his responsibility to teach him how to grow up from a boy to a man. As single mothers many of us try to ease the blow of raising a child on our own by constantly telling ourselves if we do more by over compensating and pushing ourselves we can be both mother and father... but the reality is we can't!

It is scientific fact that a child grows up to be a better and more efficient contributor to society if they come from a home with both parents. Now this is not to say I won't move heaven and hell to make sure my boy is well rounded but unless his father comes around I am sure there are certain things I am going to struggle with. That is a fact that I have no problem acknowledging and accepting. Things like potty training. Ok. It isn't that bad nor the end of the world, but just like I needed my mom to teach me about a young girl's/woman's body, he will need his father. And I highly doubt he will want to discuss wet dreams with me. Now I will try my best to have open communication with him where he can come to me about anything but I highly doubt he will. I remember when I got my first menstrual cycle and I was with my dad. I was sssoooo embarrassed to tell him and couldn't wait to get home for my mom to walk me through it. It was something about the familiarity of my own sex that helped and I am sure that is the case for others. Just like there are life lessons only a mother can teach, there are those only a father/man can as well.

So in closing, I raise my boy the best way a woman can. I try not to be overzealous because I know it is not that I am falling short but rather I am doing the best one person can do while doing a two person job!

CSR

Guest blogger CSR is an amazing single mother of two boys and a successful independent business owner. 

Ughhh yet another Valentine’s Day

Ever since I became a mom, almost 3 years ago, (not counting being prego) I have not had a Valentine over the age of 2.

Yes, very sweet but also lonely.

This year I decided to make it an awesome occupied fun day with me and the little man.

                                                                                                                                                                           It started off with a bribe that went something like this:

Me: Hey Aur do you want to be my Valentine?

My Valentine: No mommy, no Valentine!

Me: Ok are you sure?  Cuz you will get to eat chocolate….

My Valentine: Yes mommy, I want chocolate!

Me: So do you want to be my Valentine???

My Valentine: I want chocolate.

Me: Ok good enough.

After bribe#1 scored me a Valentine, with bribe #2 I managed to get an empty plate for breakfast and lunch, if only I could get everything I wanted with the promise of chocolate.

Laundry was first on the list of Vday fun….lucky for me my Valentine loves doing laundry.

He is obsessed with the gum ball machine and of course tries to get only purple gum balls.

This time he bugged for more quarters than usual, after giving him 2 dollars I was at my limit.

Of course being the little boy that he is, he pulls his own dollar out of his coat pocket and asks me for change.

One thing about this little boy is Valentine or not he always makes sure, no matter what it is, that he gets “mommy one”.

After using most of his change for gum he decides to use a different machine and got a cute little ring for himself. He then insists on getting me one, but all I could think was him losing his quarter and being upset because he couldn’t get me one. But to my surprise he did…………………………

….and I couldn’t have been a happier mommy.

The day I kinda sorta dreaded really did turn out to be ok.

We spent the rest of the day at a routine checkup for him followed by a please don’t cry when they give you this shot and I will buy you a toy bribe, and then back home for his valentine day chocolates.

All in all the best darn Vday a single mommy could ask for!