Oh It's just emotions taking me over.....

Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song?

But...

I don't want anyone to come back.

Don't need anyone to come home to me.

Don't need a darling.

There IS someone left in this world to hold me tight. 

Emotions are there though. 

High emotions. 

A weekend full of emotions started on Friday. I'd love to blame Paddington but it was a cute movie that the kid and I enjoyed.

Truth is these emotions have been there, surpressed, bottled up, almost disguised themselves as nonexistent.

I sat and watched as the family of four welcomed the orphaned bear.

It started with the mum. Someone kind and gentle, caring enough to lend help to a stranger. Her children were open and willing, a trait they seemed to inherit from her. The father on the other hand, stubborn and angry. 

The disconnect is what once brought the couple together to form the dynamic seemed forgotten. 

Paddington went on to be the amazing little teddy that helped them all realize what the love was made of that once fueled the family. He brought out the best that was always there but masked by life and the individual.

Then my thoughts got ahead of me.

And the tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.

I kept them pretty quiet.

My mind couldn't help remember that I had chosen this life.

Approximately 6 years ago I did just that.

I decided to become a single mom.

Everyone has choices and I have previously said that mine was a given. I would have a baby. 

I couldn't help but think that I hadn't quite thought it all through.

6 single years.

6 picky bitch years.

6 learning years.

6 amazing little boy years.

But it's just the two of us. 

I yearn for a significant other and at the same time I don't.

The kid wishes he had a little sister but he doesn't.

Then there's the big elephant in the room of not having a father figure. 

I'm afraid.

I don't like to be vulnerable.

I don't like to admit I need want someone.

I don't like to let myself believe the fact that it's nice to have someone care about me for a change. 

So I hide. 

And I surpress.

And then when a brilliant kid movie like paddington comes out, the unsuspecting mom in me that's got it all figured out suddenly turns into a softie.

And then my friends, the tears came.

Panic mode was interrupted when the kid turned to me and asked why were there tears on my face.

The softie swallowed hard and replied, no reason.

The kid insisted on wiping my tears and then we sat in silence and watched the rest of the movie. 

Oh but friends to my dismay the flood gates were fully open. 

My emotional weekend had just begun.

The kid has begun to say things I can't handle in the most adorable almost 6 year old way. With a flourishing vocab and curious questions, I stare. I honestly can't get enough of him. 

I then tell myself

It's just emotion taking me over...caught up in....? 

NO

Not caught up in any fucking emotion.

Just dreams and thoughts of what ifs and what could've beens and what isn't. 

Now I'm really in my head. 

And I can't stop thinking of the stupid family dynamic and the stupid father figure we are lacking but may I remind you that I don't want need...the stupid second child that I may have had if I had the stupid father figure/stupid husband that I may have enjoyed but let me remind you of the fact that I don't want need any more kids.

Dating and the Bull shit detector.

A recent date lead me to believe I am through with dating.

 Don’t get me wrong it was a great date.

The guy was a charmer, a perfect gentleman and held my interest in more ways than one. But the time and energy it took out of me makes me want to continue my life as a single mom. My evenings usually consist of making dinner for my son and I, having bath time then bed time then me time. Do I risk the life I’ve become so accustomed to for the life I so secretly crave?

SINGLE is and always seemed to be a temporary for me. Dating on the other hand I haven’t done serious enough since my son was born. In the beginning I thought I’d be a single mom for a year or so then I’d meet this fabulous man, fall in love, he’d love my son as his own and then we’d walk off into the sunset and work on extending our cute little blended family.

 Newsflash, it didn’t quite work out that way.

I did think I came close once. I met this fab man who had himself grown up with a step dad since the age of 2, JACKPOT. 

Turns out he was just not there altogether and I was back to square one.

Fast forward 4 years later, I am an independent, self sufficient single mom who hasn’t really dated at all but more importantly has become more of a woman in her own right.

          I do it all.

When I think of “dates” I’ve been on in the past 4 years I can count them on one hand. I’m the type that does not pursue but rather succumbs to the pursuer if the interest is there. 

So back to this one date, I had an amazing time but I also realized how much I have changed since the last time I’ve dated as well as how much the dating game has.

There I was sitting across from a man that I seemed completely interested in and wanted to know everything about. In the days to follow we kept in touch and even had a second date. Communication was there almost daily and I seemed to be loving it. To my surprise things came to a screeching halt within 2-3 months and I was not as irritated by it as I thought I’d be.

The adult independent me didn’t care. Life goes on, right?

For the most part, the woman I had become did not care to deal with bs. 

Honesty had become a trait of this woman, and she gained a bull shit detector.

Back to me and my life as a single mom, this meant not losing sleep, guilt over leaving my kid with a sitter while I went on a date, and not having someone on my mind. Simple.

In my somewhat twisted mind I was relieved. Screw it.

It’s like a weight was lifted.

The truth is I did like him. I did like text messages and calls from someone other than my mom and my sister. I also liked that he was kind of a secret. One thing I’ve learned as a single mom is to keep my dating life guarded. Everyone is waiting to see me settle or date or bring someone other than a girl friend around.  It honestly can’t happen, the explanation of what happened if it did not work requires way too much energy. So secrets are good in that aspect.

I liked the attention. I liked him as a person. I liked his conversation and support.

But I am guarded.

I have had this conversation with girlfriends time and time again, I am going to need one hell of a man to fill the void I have already managed to fill on my own.

And my detector lets me know whether or not I care enough to deal with someone that is not serious about  me.

The fact that I have this bull shit detector will weed out a lot of phonies, but the possibility of it eliminating one of the good ones is a chance I'll just have to take.