Oh It's just emotions taking me over.....

Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song?

But...

I don't want anyone to come back.

Don't need anyone to come home to me.

Don't need a darling.

There IS someone left in this world to hold me tight. 

Emotions are there though. 

High emotions. 

A weekend full of emotions started on Friday. I'd love to blame Paddington but it was a cute movie that the kid and I enjoyed.

Truth is these emotions have been there, surpressed, bottled up, almost disguised themselves as nonexistent.

I sat and watched as the family of four welcomed the orphaned bear.

It started with the mum. Someone kind and gentle, caring enough to lend help to a stranger. Her children were open and willing, a trait they seemed to inherit from her. The father on the other hand, stubborn and angry. 

The disconnect is what once brought the couple together to form the dynamic seemed forgotten. 

Paddington went on to be the amazing little teddy that helped them all realize what the love was made of that once fueled the family. He brought out the best that was always there but masked by life and the individual.

Then my thoughts got ahead of me.

And the tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.

I kept them pretty quiet.

My mind couldn't help remember that I had chosen this life.

Approximately 6 years ago I did just that.

I decided to become a single mom.

Everyone has choices and I have previously said that mine was a given. I would have a baby. 

I couldn't help but think that I hadn't quite thought it all through.

6 single years.

6 picky bitch years.

6 learning years.

6 amazing little boy years.

But it's just the two of us. 

I yearn for a significant other and at the same time I don't.

The kid wishes he had a little sister but he doesn't.

Then there's the big elephant in the room of not having a father figure. 

I'm afraid.

I don't like to be vulnerable.

I don't like to admit I need want someone.

I don't like to let myself believe the fact that it's nice to have someone care about me for a change. 

So I hide. 

And I surpress.

And then when a brilliant kid movie like paddington comes out, the unsuspecting mom in me that's got it all figured out suddenly turns into a softie.

And then my friends, the tears came.

Panic mode was interrupted when the kid turned to me and asked why were there tears on my face.

The softie swallowed hard and replied, no reason.

The kid insisted on wiping my tears and then we sat in silence and watched the rest of the movie. 

Oh but friends to my dismay the flood gates were fully open. 

My emotional weekend had just begun.

The kid has begun to say things I can't handle in the most adorable almost 6 year old way. With a flourishing vocab and curious questions, I stare. I honestly can't get enough of him. 

I then tell myself

It's just emotion taking me over...caught up in....? 

NO

Not caught up in any fucking emotion.

Just dreams and thoughts of what ifs and what could've beens and what isn't. 

Now I'm really in my head. 

And I can't stop thinking of the stupid family dynamic and the stupid father figure we are lacking but may I remind you that I don't want need...the stupid second child that I may have had if I had the stupid father figure/stupid husband that I may have enjoyed but let me remind you of the fact that I don't want need any more kids.

family dynamic

I always thought it would be my own thoughts, views, beliefs and opinions that would be the source of my sons teaching.
Speaking with other parents and understanding different views on family dynamic did not change my opinion that opposed the idea that school aged children are subjected to uncontrollable views.
Pre Kindergarten is such a ripe age for education.
Physical activity is huge while teaching lessons also extremely valuable.
When we started receiving homework assignments, I was very excited.
It gave me a look inside what the actual learning was and the lessons that were being taught in class. I was eager to aid in his learning.
The first assignment was coloring and tracing shapes and the letter S.
The second was about family.
I hesitated.
The remembered a good friend of mine going through a similar exercise in a doctors office.
Her son was asked by the doctor to draw his family.
He drew his mom, he drew his brother, and he drew himself.
The doctor asked about his father and then the conversation started to flow.
Imagine my fear.
A fear I have yet to confront.
An explanation I have yet to give my little monster, who is growing at the speed of a very well planted seed.
An absent father who has yet to appear.
As we completed the homework assignment, I read the instructions aloud, prepared to explain the plethora of blended families there are, but I didn't have to.
 
"Draw your family in the house, do you know who is part of your family?''
 Yes Mommy.
 "mommy, me, Jakey (cousin), grandma, Chris(step grandpa) and auntie''

I breathed a sigh if relief.

He seemed happy.
He drew smiles on everyone.
He drew hair. 
And he wrote the names of each person as I told him.

Never mentioning, questioning, or simply including his father.
Should I have?

Part of me thought I should say, what about Papi?
If that door of memory is slowly closing, why should I stick my foot in and hold it open.

The other part of me quietly shouted, YES!!!!!

Selfish? maybe.
But hoping that I may not have to deal with this much longer and he's forgetting his father on his own by his fathers own doing.
Yet another ounce of me thinks I should have a conversation with him and honestly tell him I don't know what happened to his father.

Fear wins.

His family dynamic consists of so much love that he had to draw people outside of the house and that is explanation enough for me.