in love

Have you ever just loved something so much you thought your heart would burst right out from your chest?

That’s how I feel about my little boy.
He's one amazing little boy.

I am aware that people may say I am a crazy obsessed wacko mom after they read this and I agree, but I am totally in love with being this little boy’s mother.

I don’t know whether it is being a single mom that makes me feel this way. I have him all to myself, except for those eight hours a week he goes with his father. I get to wake up to his silly face pushing me out of my bed asking for his morning milk. I get to watch him try to convince me that should brush his teeth instead of me doing it. I get to watch him be a rock star in training and go back and forth between playing the drums, and singing into the mic, then picking up his guitar right before he picks up his keyboard then right back to the drums.
I get to hear the crazy stories he tells, some of what may still take a few times before I can fully understand. I get to see his excited face when he discovers his motorized Percy the train not only moves on the track but can move along the bare floor down the hall. As he runs from Percy I get to watch him and just be his mommy.

From the moment he was born it has been "just us", and I have grown somewhat used to that.
I think there something about a single parent that allows us to enjoy our children more since we are the sole parent on a day to day basis.
Sometimes I watch him as he sleeps, of course when he catches me in my day dreams when he's awake he yells" stop looking me", so from time to time I have to sneak my little stares in when he isn’t looking.

I miss him when he's gone and can't wait until he's back in my arms again.
Sometimes I think in the back of my mind I knew I was born to be a parent since I always did want kids, but I definitely knew I was born to be this little boy’s mommy.

And it was so ordered.....

So since last year I really have gone through A LOT. This post is really special to me since although I have already opened up by deciding to write about my experiences, this makes it even that more personal.

When two people are married there seems to be a type of security in your life. You feel like you can never go alone or without shall I say. When you have children, there's more help and the possibility of being together forever increases, but even those "happy endings" do not always exist. In my case I didn't sign a marriage certificate nor did I get married but it does not mean my relationship was destined to be doomed from the start. I have always been a single mom. From the moment I saw the plus sign my "partner" did not agree with my decision to have my son. Of course things change along the road but the point is that I choose this life and all that comes with it. Never in a gazillion years would I have thought I would have to fight for my boy.

Throughout his first year, his father was gone. He joined the military and was sent away until around his first birthday. When he returned he came around a few times usually in the evenings when my boy was ready for bed, and never visited on the weekends. When he decided that he wanted to come around more often he wanted to pick my son up from the sitter. I was totally against this. My disagreement came from him not knowing or ever spending time alone with my son. He was about a little over a year, so I suggested he come around more often and visit with him and get to know him and then by all means yes he could pick him up. This caused a halt in the financial support he had been providing and led the court to intervene, and in turn he petitioned me for visitation.

It started out with supervised visits. In the beginning the magistrate that was assigned to our case was very understanding of the situation. She ordered supervised visits in which I was to stay with my son while he visited with his father every Saturday and Sunday for a few hours. The very next court date, he somehow managed to get a lawyer and he was given unsupervised visits.

I was hysterical.

In the courtroom my emotions were shown and I was told to stop the melodrama. I simply could not allow my son to go with this stranger he didn’t know, a man who had never changed a diaper nor had the slightest clue as what to do with a baby. So I did what any mother would do, I packed up my son every day of the court ordered scheduled visit and we went somewhere fun for that duration of the day. Of course in my heart I knew it was not right, but I also was not comfortable with my son being in the hands of an inexperienced person at such a young age.

The follow up court date I asked for a lawyer and got one. Soon after I allowed my son to go with his father unsupervised and prayed that he would be ok. On several occasions he came with a soiled diaper, one I distinctly remember was on a cold winter evening, he was soaked through his diaper, thermal pants and jeans. Again I was furious but had to hold my case and build it for the next court date. This led me to stronger oppose my son going with his father overnight.

The final court date I am speaking to my lawyer and going over all the incidents that had occurred over the past visitations and his lawyer comes over. Turns out he has decided he only wants one day a weekend from 10am-7pm. A little relieved but also floored at how unparentlike his decision was, I agree. After numerous court dates, adjournments and lawyers involved, it is over.

As of now, he visits with my son the same one day a weekend for the 8 hours he desired. Every weekend it’s the same situation, kicking screaming and crying my son is pried from my arms or I try to assure him he will be ok and tell him a little white lie that mommy is going too. I have become a little better at hiding my hurt as he leaves but it’s partly because I know that I need my time away from him since I continue to be this single mom taking on more than half of the responsibility of raising MY son.

2 years strong and counting

I'm proud of myself, 2 years on my own and I have accomplished so much.
Yes, I’ve had to depend on family a little but for the most part I have been on my own.
Raising my little man all by myself.
How do you know you're raising a child right…well, he does say "pease" and "tank u" but how will I know that's enough.
He reaches out to mom-mee for so much, for EVERYTHING..after all I'm all he's got, been here since day one.

And I'm not going anywhere.

more to come

When I started this it was supposed to be a more frequent thing. Looking back at the archive list on my page it sux that I have only written one post this year. Yes and here comes December strolling along, so sad. I guess mommy-hood has got me caught up or the fact that my college days of procrastination are still in me. I do plan to write more I promise. I am still juggling being a mom period let alone with the word single in front of it. A lot has happened and I keep it all in my head. It sure does have a lot to do with raising my boy on my own. I find I have no time for anything anymore. I recently vowed to make time, more time for everything, family,friends, me time and especially more time for little me and my pet family!
Stay tuned for more.....

I dont know why but I just do....

I have a very special place in my life for my ex...dont know whether this is good or bad. Of course or at least at the moment I think he will always have a special place in my heart. I went through it. I couldn't stand him and I said I hated him. These things may still be true but I think I am in such a different place in my life that I hardly even care anymore. So lately we have been speaking on a daily basis again, for those of you that do not know this, he is a marine and was deployed out of state. For the most part this didn't affect me since we were already over before he left but I did want him to be a part of my little boys life.
A little history...he has always been about other ppl, whenever it concerned someone else it was his priority...so now going through so many changes right, becoming a dad, experience in the marines and away from home....you think the dumbass would change??? NOPE
Its really funny in a way...everyone including his parents said he would change..whats funny is I was the biggest skeptic.
He proved me right.
Doesn't come see his son and when he did its it within a 2 week time period and the visit lasted no more than an hour or so.
In a way I still have hope, I know I am a fool to believe it can work. I look at him sometimes and I miss the way we were. I miss his touch, his laugh, the way he looked after me...dont get me wrong there were bad times hence the breakup...but I do love him, I think.
I can't stand him, but part of me wants him...I dont know why but I just do...

The last day of the year....

Here we are 2010!! I can hardly believe it. So many changes have taken place this year. God has blessed me so good and although rough times and struggles are still ahead I know that he will continue to bless me. This will definitely be my year. To all my single mommys, when the days seem too short yet the weeks seem too long and you wish you had just 1 more arm to help carry you're ever growing bundle of joy up those stairs....just stop, take a breath and thank God...know that we are all out here and in this together!