Life exhaustion

I'm tired. 

Scared, lonely and tired. 

Best combination ever. 

There was this huge clinging to summer sadness and what September meant to my life. 

The simple part of me thought CRAP, no more beach days, no more swimming or open toe teva wearing days. I mean I could prolong and add socks right, very fashion forward. 

Now it's mid September or late September which means October is knocking at my door but I'm not ready. 

I just handed in the kids school supplies and the list was still missing a few items. 

I had a moment of being overwhelmed the other day. 

It happened at Walmart of all fucking places.

On the hunt for marble composition notebooks and not the $2.49 kind there were boxes of at staples. With 8 notebooks on the 2nd graders supply list I knew I had to find a bargain. In June most if not all of them were returned home after the school year barely used, I resisted the urge to recycle. 

To my surprise people did this kind it thing way prior and were actually prepared for September, I must've missed the memo while at the beach. 

Walmart sold out.

Target sold out.

Me overwhelmed. 

I had 19 text messages on my phone. 

The kid at my side asking me for Star Wars whatever that was not on the list and the madness of Walmart made me think the world was ending the way people scurried around the "super center".

What was going on? 

I fought back the tears and thoughts and took a deep breath. 

I paid for my shit and got he hell out of there. 

I managed to turned my phone back on when the feeling of being overwhelmed was gone. I also needed the gps on it to get back home. 

I remember being tired. 

Not physically. 

Just tired.

Tired of it all.

Tired of the responsibility of EVERYTHING.

ALL. the. time.

School supplies

Electric bill

Laundry 

School lunch

Healthy school lunch

Snack 

Extra snack for after school 

The blue card, oh the dreaded blue card as if the school didn't already have ours from last year on file.

The doctors form

Clean uniform pants

Clean uniform shirt

Water bottle 

Lunch bag 

Book bag 

Dog food 

Cat liter

Tired of it all.

What do I do?

Who can I share some of this responsibility with? 

No one - harsh reality 

I smile. 

The kid is happy regardless.

We get through the second week of school.

Walmart ain't that bad.

Monday drop off was ok.

I managed to make it to yoga. 

I had a good morning.

Next up, laundry.  

Check.

My stomach growls reminding me of the coffee I had for breakfast. 

I should eat. 

I go to turn on the oven.

Gas is off.

Shit.

Had I forgotten to pay the gas bill? 

Not possible. 

Odds are that's a huge possibility.

I call the gas company and of course I did.

Hold your shit together.

You are human.

The operator said. 

Only she didn't say that. 

She said someone could come out and turn it on tomorrow evening between 6 and10pm. 

The cold shower felt surprisingly worse than I had ever imagined but I was grateful for the ice cold running water nonetheless.

Some people don't even have that. 

Tomorrow I'd take a hot shower. 

Great!

What else could I do but say great! 

My go to word these days.

I'm tired.

The kind of tired that needs help.

The tired of doing it all on my own.

How did I get here.

I swear I made good choices.

I replay them all the time.

I feel sad for both of us.

The kid deserves more.

He needs more.

He doesn't even know what more is.

I know I'm his everything.

I know I can't be tired.

And then she's back.

And I say fuck this! 

I love my life.

Tuesday night 9pmish the gas is on.

I take a nice long hot shower put my cloak back on and kiss the kid good night.

God I'm a lucky girl. 

In need of some support....

Raising a child has never been a cakewalk and the adolescent years can definitely try your patience. Personally the most difficult thing I've ever had to encounter is parenting a teen facing mental illness.Since her birth in 1998 I have assisted my mother with           co-parenting my younger sister, "AJ".

Even as a little kid my sister's behaviors have always been a little "out there" with her extended temper tantrums and/or outbursts towards the family. My mom and I didn't realize what we had on our hands until she started acting out violently against her classmates in school. Her teachers suggested she had ADD/ADHD based on her disconnect while in the classroom but I wasn't too sure given the behaviors I had witnessed in the home. In 2009 after much prodding on my end the school district and her pediatrician finally conducted a series of evaluations which resulted in her being diagnosed with mood disorders. In less than a year that diagnosis was changed to bipolar and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and then to bipolar schizophrenia, PTSD and depression in 2011.

I am not sure whether having a "label" attached to her helped or hindered us. Over the years I've worked with hundred of kids and have come across many different diagnosis and behaviors but nothing quite prepares you for when it is your child. No matter how hands-on you are in your professional field nothing prepares you for your flesh and blood screaming obscenities at you, launching lamps and other items at your head, and/or charging at you full force.

We have plenty of days when we can manage peacefully, but there's a greater amount of days when we can't tell which way is up. There are so many moments when my mother and I feel completely alone as no one else in the family truly understands my sister's illness or, quite frankly, don't care to be bothered. I'm not sure where this journey will lead us but I am not ashamed to admit that I am seriously afraid and in need of some support.

TSJ

Guest blogger TSJ is a STRONG woman. She is a mother figure for her own sister and a great source of support to her mother. An editor, literary analyst and self proclaimed bibliophile, are among many victories she has achieved thus far.